You Too Are Us

uterus

Lady Parts by Hey Paul Studios on Flickr

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

  • Peepee Boy, 10 years old, the instigator, always ready to shock the younger children
  • Katharine, 8 years old, studious
  • Stork Girl, 8 years old, a know-it-all
  • Baby Fairy Girl, 9 years old, demure
  • Belly Buttons Boy, 9 years old, acts reasonably
  • Buffalo Boy, 8 years old, always physical
  • Jump Rope Girl, 8 years old, also physical
  • Littlest Boy, 6 years old, mostly interested in toy cars
  • Mama, the mother of Katharine and Little Brother
  • Little Brother, 6 years old, very sure of himself

FADE IN at stage right:

BARE STAGE – DAY

PEEPEE BOY swings a baseball bat at nothing in particular. KATHARINE reclines on an elbow and reads a children’s picture book. STORK GIRL and BABY FAIRY GIRL play jacks together. BELLY BUTTONS BOY and BUFFALO BOY spar playfully.

JUMP ROPE GIRL enters from stage right, jumping rope. PEEPEE BOY, turns to survey the other children.

PEEPEE BOY
I know where babies come from.

JUMP ROPE GIRL
Oh yeah?

KATHARINE puts a finger on the paragraph she’s reading and looks up toward Peepee Boy.

KATHARINE
Where?

BELLY BUTTONS BOY
I know where.

PEEPEE BOY
The man takes his peepee and puts it in her peepee.

KATHARINE, STORK GIRL, BABY FAIRY GIRL, BELLY BUTTONS BOY, BUFFALO BOY and JUMP ROPE GIRL stop what they’re doing and turn toward Peepee Boy.

JUMP ROPE GIRL tangles herself in her jump rope and lands on the floor.

JUMP ROPE GIRL
Yuk! Gross!

JUMP ROPE GIRL tries unsuccessfully to untangle herself.

BELLY BUTTONS BOY
He does not.! It’s belly buttons! The dad and mom get naked and he lies down on top of her. The baby comes out of his belly button and goes into her belly button….

BUFFALO BOY leaps onto Jump Rope Girl, tears his shirt off (or open) and, shrieking with laughter, rubs his tummy across her wherever he can reach.

BUFFALO BOY
I’m gonna give you a baby!

KATHARINE, STORK GIRL and BABY FAIRY GIRL turn toward Jump Rope Girl and BUFFALO BOY and laugh, yell or otherwise react.

JUMP ROPE GIRL
Gross! Don’t you jump on me. Get off me!

BELLY BUTTONS BOY
He tells her he’s going to give her a baby. It’s real little at first but it gets bigger later.

JUMP ROPE GIRL pushes BUFFALO BOY off her. BUFFALO BOY goes back to Belly Buttons Boy and pretends to land some punches. BELLY BUTTONS BOY moves away from the pretend punches. LITTLEST BOY enters from upstage, carrying little cars, dropping one, picking it, and advancing to downstage, where he sits.

STORK GIRL
My Grandma told me how babies are made. She said it’s a big secret. The stork brings the baby.

LITTLEST BOY dumps his cars on the floor.

LITTLEST BOY
What’s a stork?

BABY FAIRY GIRL
I don’t think so. I know how my little brother was made. My Daddy and Mommie went to bed and they put a whole dollar under their pillows and they went to sleep and the baby-fairy came and put Jerry into Mommie’s tummy.

LITTLEST BOY
What’s a stork? Can I have a dollar?

STORK GIRL
That’s stupid. Don’t you know the difference between a baby and a tooth? It’s the stork that brings the baby, not some fairy. He takes his sharp tooth and pokes a hole in the mother’s you-too-are-us and puts the baby in there. Then, the doctor takes the baby out of there in the hospital.

LITTLEST BOY
What’s you-too-are-us.” Is that like Toys-R-us?

STORK GIRL
You’re stupid if you don’t know the difference between a baby and a toy. It’s the stork that brings the baby, and he takes his tooth and pokes a hole…

KATHARINE
There are no storks in my house. Storks make nests on top of houses. How does the stork get in the house?

BABY FAIRY GIRL
Could he come down the chimney?

LITTLEST BOY
Santa Claus!

BUFFALO BOY
Storks! Huh. Or maybe.… Uh, I asked Mom where babies come from, and she said … well, she said … when we went to Wildlife Safari and we saw those two buffalo, what they were doing…. She said that’s where babies come from.

BELLY BUTTONS BOY hoots and hollers.

JUMP ROPE GIRL
From a buffalo?

STORK GIRL
… No! Stork puts the baby in the mother’s you-too-are-us!

JUMP ROPE GIRL
Yuk! Double yuk!

BABY FAIRY GIRL
I like fairies.

PEEPEE BOY
No, peepees. Gotta be peepees.

FADE IN at stage left, downstage:

BARE STAGE – DAY

MAMA is sewing at a dining-room type table. PEEPEE BOY swings the bat several times. STORK GIRL, BABY FAIRY GIRL, BELLY BUTTONS BOY, BUFFALO BOY and JUMP ROPE GIRL begin picking up their toys and exiting stage right, upstage and downstage. LITTLEST BOY continues playing with his cars.

KATHARINE puts a bookmark into her book, gets up and goes to stand next to the table.

KATHARINE
Mama, how are babies made really?

MAMA stops sewing and moves to another chair at the table.

MAMA
Well, that’s a complicated subject. Let’s sit down.

MAMA gets pencil and paper from a drawer in the table and begins to draw. KATHARINE sits down next to Mama. PEEPEE BOY exits stage left, crossing in front of the table, bat over his shoulder. STORK GIRL, BABY FAIRY GIRL, BELLY BUTTONS BOY, BUFFALO BOY and JUMP ROPE GIRL continue to pick up their toys and exit stage right, upstage and downstage. LITTLEST BOY continues playing with his cars.

MAMA
We’ll start by drawing a picture of where the baby is made.

FADE OUT at stage right:

MAMA
Here now. Let me show you. This is a picture of your uterus. See how it.…

KATHARINE
Uterus. You-too-are-us. Uterus.

MAMA
See how it opens here and lets the baby out here? This is right between your legs. Where you pee is nearby, but it isn’t the same place. Now, the baby grows in here, but…

LITTLE BROTHER enters from stage left, upstage, tossing a ball continually into the air and catching it. He walks toward the drawing on the table, stops, peers at the picture and stops tossing the ball.

LITTLE BROTHER
What’s that?

MAMA
That’s what girls look like on the inside.

LITTLE BROTHER
They look better on the outside.

LITTLE BROTHER nods with authority and resumes tossing the ball into the air and catching it while exiting the stage in the same direction as Peepee Boy.

VERY SLOW FADE OUT:

MAMA
(Her voice fades out as the light fades.)
You might ask how the baby gets in here. It all begins when a mother and a father love each other enough to want a baby. To have a baby, the mother and father get together, often without clothes, and have what we call sex. Now, sex is something you’ll hear lots about as you grow up. Here’s what it means. The man has a …

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